Mother’s Helpers
Motherhood is a tough, messy business. The weight of responsibility is overwhelming, the task work often little more than drudgery. There is no time off, no financial compensation, and mothers, especially working mothers, are the ones who get blamed if something goes wrong. There are child-rearing experts of all professional backgrounds and political attitudes ready to let us know where we’re falling short and how to do a better job. The mommy in Cybermommy wonders how much we really need their pre-packaged notions about the best way to nurture our families.

I recently attended an address by Steven Lewis, father of seven and author of “The ABCs of Real Family Values” and “Zen and the Art of Fatherhood.” He spoke compellingly about the complicated and enlightening experience of raising each of his unique children. Mr. Lewis credits his success as a parent (and his inclination to enter the bloody fray of fatherhood again and again and again) to the affection and appreciation he feels for each of his children as individuals, rather than a specific program of discipline applied with a broad brush to one and all. During his speech, he held aloft a copy of one of the most revered guides of modern parenting — “1-2-3 Magic” by Thomas W. Phelan — and commented that it would be a great book if half the pages were torn out. “Raising children” Mr. Lewis concluded, “has nothing to do with magic.”

Most parents will concede there is no miracle solution to eradicate all the sticky spots children pass through in the course of normal growth and development. Even so, many don’t quite trust their own common sense and intuition about the best way to guide a child who is going through a difficult stage, whether it’s toilet training or adolescent rebellion. A visit to the local bookstore or library will reveal a profitable publishing industry devoted to books and magazines on parenting issues. A sizeable cadre of pediatricians, child development specialists, psychologists, family counselors and other would-be authorities are eager to tell us who our children are and how we should expect them to behave. Simply because there are so many “experts” offering their personal views on the right way to raise our kids, determined parents can ferret out endorsements for just about any method of discipline or parenting philosophy.

Do we actually need this onslaught of expertise to foster the development of healthy, responsible, socially engaged children? Perhaps the accusations of self-absorption aimed at our generation by the world at large have left us with a niggling sense we are incapable of the level of self-sacrifice necessary to be good parents. It’s more likely the recent proliferation of advice on how to be an effective parent is a by-product of our goal oriented culture. Even in our family lives, we tend to be focused on the end result rather than the process; we cling to the chart, calendar and clock. Part of our willingness to pay heed to popular parenting gurus stems from a desire to improve our performance as mothers and fathers. The darker side of our drive lies in the need to discover a quick fix for junior’s undesirable behavior.

Smart parents are beginning to question the value of one-size-fits-all child rearing advice. It’s important to know the basics about keeping your child safe and sound, and how to encourage his or her intellectual and emotional growth. Beyond that, it’s inconceivable any formulaic approach will work for every child, every time.

Although an increasing number of authors and organizations target the topic of fatherhood, most of the everyday, hands-on, how-to advice is directed at moms. In mainstream publications and on their Web counterparts, these suggestions are presented in the form of feature articles and Q&A columns. While many recommendations from these sources are highly professional and well-considered, I detect an insidious undercurrent. It’s the myth of the New Model Mother , a thirty-ish woman who may be exhausted from a bad day at the office but is still wearing a neat, fashionable suit and a tolerant smile. That’s her in the kitchen now, wholesomely sexy in jeans and an oversize sweater, whipping up a tasty, nutritious meal for the family. Her kids wear adorable, unbesmirched outfits and possess perennially sunny natures. When her children’s behavior is blemished by an inappropriate outburst, the New Model Mother gently but firmly redirects their attention to some constructive activity, or if boundaries have been seriously violated, imposes the appropriate duration of “time out”. (To be fair, some children respond very well to this kind of intervention. Not mine, that’s for sure.)

It’s the glossing over of the daily frustrations and dishevelment of true-to-life motherhood that enrages me most about this plastic image. Rather than offering reassurance to mothers who may be at wits’ end with a feisty toddler or moody teen, this breezy spin has the potential to erode the confidence of parents who are doing all the “right” things but are still struggling day after day to resolve the same trying situation. I have a friend who once confessed she “felt like a bad mother” because she found no joy in spending day in, day out with her two children — a hard-to-please preschooler and his destructive 18-month old brother. I’m inclined to attribute her feelings of anger and boredom to normal human response. A bad mother is a woman who locks her children in a closet and goes out to score drugs.

We are real women, real mothers; perfection eludes us. We own the usual assortment of human flaws and foibles, but we aren’t incompetent. Of course, literature and broadcasts offering guidelines about parent-child relationships, child development and discipline are not entirely devoid of merit. They can give us a fresh perspective, or confirm an intuition that we are making the right choices for our own unique families. Sometimes we do need help to sort out a particularly persistent problem. But, ultimately, we need to have faith in our ability to make the best decisions regarding our own children’s health and wellbeing.

I’ve made my share of mistakes as a mother. I regret some more than others. Strangely, the incident when the boys ate nothing but pop-tarts and chocolate pudding for several days is not numbered among my most shameful downfalls. The biggest disasters were set into motion when I discounted my instincts concerning the best course of treatment for my children’s medical or behavioral symptoms. Instead, I allowed myself to be swayed by the recommendations of a pediatrician or other professional, who, as it turned out, did not know what was right for my kids after all.

In the review section of this edition of Cybermommy, you will find Web resources for moms, some mainstream, most not. You might also enjoy the following articles about the compatibility of popular child-rearing advice with real-life motherhood.

“Parenting Out-of-the-Box”
by Sharon Paula Spencer for NetWorkingMoms.com

“Get out of my bedroom!”
by Peggy O’Mara for Salon’s Mothers Who Think
Parents who co-sleep with their infants are capable of taking their own precautions when it comes to child safety, thank you very much.

Another from Salon’s Mothers Who Think:
“High Noon for Nurturers” by Shelley Emling
British baby and child care expert Penelope Leach gets tough with Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, authors of “Babywise”. Also note the related MWT articles listed at the end of the report.

Parents should be aware that a significant portion of popular child-rearing literature is authored by proponents of conservative, Christian family values. This article, “The Parental is Political” by Yo Mama for hipMama.com , takes a hard look at social impact of how we choose to parent.